A short update

Wow, it's been a long time since I've posted. Sorry to say, I'm not much better off than I was when I last left you as far as my evolution of faith. I'm still not very good at being a Christian.

I keep telling myself that at least I'm trying, that little steps are still steps. I haven't been able to attend my home church recently, which as I previously stated, has been a really strong pillar for me. I was even going to a lifegroup for a while. But our lifegroup disbanded due to lack of attendance, and circumstances have made it difficult to travel to my home church most weekends.

So R and I have been trying new churches. There's a smallish Christian church up the street, which we've attended once. We were greeted warmly by the church staff and parishioners- we even found a really cool couple to talk with who invited us to their lifegroup (we had to decline unfortunately). But the church was not the same. It didn't have the energy and passion that my church has. It didn't grab my attention and fill me with spirit. Honestly, it felt a little like the Catholic churches I grew up in. So I began thinking about attending a local satellite campus of the Vineyard megachurch. I've had friends grow up in that church, and they've seemed to speak of it fondly. Then, one of those friends informed me through Facebook that the local pastor made an anti-gay sermon, saying "this is not religious bigotry". Which made me really really sad and frustrated. I can't believe this is going on in such a popular and seemingly progressive church here in my hometown.

On the positive side, I've found a network of people who are furthering the cause of LGBTQ awareness in Christianity at the Gay Christian Network. They're a group of really cool people who either accept or are in the process of accepting themselves and others as Christians who happen to be gay. It's a really positive place, and I'm enjoying getting to know people there. It's a very cool place.

So I can't attend my home church right now, and that kind of sucks, but I've been trying to limp along on my own, and considering how little practice I've actually had, I'd say I'm not doing too badly. Mainly because the pressure is off. I don't have to worry if I stumble because I know that God is still there to lift me up.

Luke 7:47-48 “…Therefore I tell you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven—for she loved much. But he who is forgiven little, loves little.” And he said to her, “Your sins are forgiven.”

Stolen fom Momastery.com

I don't usually make a habit of reading mommy blogs, but if I keep seeing more of THIS, I'm going to have to add it to my list.

This piece was written with love. Please, if you disagree, make every effort to do so with love.

Along with every other concerned mama, I’ve been watching America’s response to the bullying related suicides closely. People seem quite shocked by the cruelty that’s happening in America’s schools. I’m confused by their shock. I’m also concerned about what’s not being addressed in their proposed solutions.
The acceptable response seems to be that we need to better educate students and teachers about what bullying is and how to react appropriately to it. This plan is positive, certainly. But on its own, it seems a little like bailing frantically without looking for the hole in the boat through which the water is leaking.
Each time one of these stories is reported, the tag line is: “kids can be so cruel.” This is something we tend to say. Kids these days, they can be so cruel. But I think this is just a phrase we toss around to excuse ourselves from facing the truth. Because I don’t think kids are any crueler than adults. I just think kids aren’t quite as adept yet at disguising their cruelty.
Yesterday I heard a radio report that students who are most likely to be bullied are gay kids, overweight kids, and Muslim kids.
Hmmmmm.
I would venture to guess that at this point in American history, gay adults, overweight adults, and Muslim adults feel the most bullied as well.
Children are not cruel. Children are mirrors. They want to be “grown-up.” So they act how grown-ups act when we think they’re not looking. They do not act how we tell them to act at school assemblies. They act how we really act. They believe what we believe. They say what we say. And we have taught them that gay people are not okay. That overweight people are not okay. That Muslim people are not okay. That they are not equal. That they are to be feared. And people hurt the things they fear. We know that. What they are doing in the schools, what we are doing in the media - it’s all the same. The only difference is that children bully in the hallways and the cafeterias while we bully from behind pulpits and legislative benches and one liners on sit-coms.
And people are sensitive. People are heart-breakingly sensitive. If enough people tell someone over and over that he is not okay, he will believe it. And one way or another, he will die.
So how is any of this surprising? It’s quite predictable, actually. It’s trickle-down cruelty.
I don’t know much. But I know that each time I see something heartbreaking on the news, each time I encounter a problem outside, the answer to the problem is inside. The problem is AWAYS me and the solution is ALWAYS me. If I want my world to be less vicious, then I must become more gentle. If I want my children to embrace other children for who they are, to treat other children with the dignity and respect every child of God deserves, then I had better treat other adults the same way. And I better make sure that my children know beyond a shadow of a doubt that in God’s and their father’s and my eyes, they are okay. They are fine. They are loved as they are. Without a single unless. Because the kids who bully are those who are afraid that a secret part of themselves is not okay.

****

Dear Chase,
Whoever you are, whoever you become. You are loved. You are a miracle. You are our dream come true.
Chase, here is what would happen in our home if one day you tell your father and I that you are gay.
Our eyes would open wide.
And we would grab you and hold you tighter than you would be able to bear. And while we were holding you we would say a silent prayer that as little time as possible passed between the moment you knew you were gay and the moment you told us. And that you were never once afraid to tell us. And we would love you and ask you one million questions and then we would love you some more and finally, I would likely rush out to buy some rainbow t-shirts, honey, because you know mama likes to have an appropriate outfit for every occasion.
And I don’t mean, Chase, that we would be tolerant of you and your sexuality. If our goal is to be tolerant of people who are different than we are, Chase, then we really are aiming quite low. Traffic jams are to be tolerated. People are to be celebrated. People, every person, Is Divine. And so there would be celebrating. Celebrating that you would be one step closer to matching your outsides with your insides, to being who you are. And there would be a teeny part of my heart that would leap at the realization that I would forever be the most important woman in your life. And then we would tell everyone. We would not concern ourselves too much with their reactions. There will always be party poopers, baby.
We just wanted you to know this, honey. We’ve worried that since we are Christians, and since we love The Bible so much, that there might come a day when you feel unclear about our feelings about this. Because there are a few parts in The Bible that discuss homosexuality as a sin. So let us be clear about how we feel, because we have spent years of research and prayer and discussion deciding.
Chase, we don’t believe that homosexuality is a sin. Your parents are Christians who believe that the Bible is inspired by God, just like people are. And since the Bible is a living thing, it is in its very nature to evolve toward becoming more loving.  We are to interact with it, to interpret it with our minds and hearts and souls. We are to consider the culture and time in which it was written and then consider the progress humanity’s made since then. We believe that when they conflict, we are to consider the spirit of the law before the letter of the law. And to always choose mercy over judgment. Sometimes this means that we appear to be picking and choosing what we believe  in the Bible. It’s not really that, exactly, but it looks like that. And many will tell you that this approach to Christianity is scandalous and blasphemous. But the thing is, honey, that the only thing that’s scandalous about this approach is admitting it out loud. The truth is that every Christian is a Christian who picks and chooses what to follow in the Bible, in one way or another.
Several years ago I was in a Bible study at church, and there was some talk about homosexuality being sinful, and I spoke up. I quoted Mother Teresa and said “When we judge people we have no time to love them.” And I was immediately reprimanded for my blasphemy by a woman who reminded me of 1 Corinthians 6: 9-10. But I was very confused because this woman was speaking. In church. And she was also wearing a necklace. And I could see her hair, baby. She had no head covering. All of which are things that are sooooo totally against the Bible Rules. * And so I just assumed that she had decided not to follow the parts of the Bible that limited her particular freedoms, but to hold fast to the parts that limited other people’s freedoms. I didn’t point this out at the time baby, because she wasn’t a bad person. People are doing the best they can, mostly. It’s best not to embarrass people.
What I’m trying to say is that each Christian uses different criteria to decide what parts of the Bible to prioritize and demonstrate in their lives. Our criteria is that if it doesn’t bring us closer to seeing humanity as one, as connected, if it turns our judgment outward instead of inward, if it doesn’t help us become better lovers of God and others, if it distracts us from remembering what we are really supposed to be doing down here, which is finding God in every human being, serving each other before ourselves, feeding hungry people, comforting the sick and sad, giving up everything we have for others, laying down our lives for our friends . . . then we just assume we don’t understand it yet, we put it on a shelf, and we move on. Because all I need to know is that I am reborn. And here’s what I believe it means to be reborn:
The first time you’re born, you identify the people in the room as your family. The second time you’re born, you identify the whole world as your family. Christianity is not about joining a particular club, it’s about waking up to the fact that we are all in the same club. Every last one of us. So avoid discussions about who’s in and who’s out at all costs. Everybody’s in, baby. That’s what makes it beautiful. And hard. If working out your faith is not beautiful and hard, find a new one to work out. And if spiritual teachers are encouraging you to fear anyone, watch them closely, honey. Raise your eyebrow and then your hand. Because the phrase repeated most often in that Bible they are quoting is Do Not Be Afraid. So when they tell you that gay people are a threat to marriage, honey, think hard.
I can only speak from my personal experience, but I’ve been married for nine years and barely any gay people have tried to break up my marriage. I say barely any because that Nate Berkus is a little shady. I am defenseless against his cuteness and eye for accessories and so he is always convincing me to buy beautiful trinkets with our grocery money. This drives your sweet father a bit nuts. So you might want to keep your eye on Berkus. But with the exception of him, I’m fairly certain that the only threats to my marriage are my pride and anger and plain old human wanderlust. Do not be afraid of people who seem different than you, baby. Different always turns out to be an illusion. Look hard.
Chase, God gave you the Bible, and He also gave you your heart and your mind and I believe He’d like you to use all three. It’s a good system of checks and balances He designed. Prioritizing can still be hard, though. Jesus predicted that. So he gave us this story. A man approached Jesus and said that he was very confused by all of God’s laws and directions and asked Jesus to break it down for him. He said, “What are the most important laws?” And Jesus said, “Love God with all your heart, mind and soul, and love others as yourself.” When in doubt, Chase, measure all your decisions and beliefs against that. Make damn sure that you are offering others the same rights, courtesies, and respect that you expect for yourself. If you do that, you can’t go wrong.
Chase, you are okay. You are a child of God. As is everyone else. There is nothing that you can become or do that will make God love you any more or any less. Nothing that you already are or will become is a surprise to God. Tomorrow has already been approved.
And so baby, your father and I have only one specific expectation of you. And that is that you celebrate others the way we celebrate you. That you remember, every day, every minute, that there is no one on God’s Green Earth who deserves more or less respect than you do, My Love.

“He has shown you what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.”  – Michah 6:8

Love, Mama

PS. We thought we should mention, honey, that if you’re straight, that’s okay too. I mean, it’d be a little anti-climactic now, honestly. But your father and I will deal.
PPS. As daddy read this essay, I watched his gorgeous face intensify. He teared up a little. Then he slammed the letter down on the kitchen table and said emphatically and without a touch of irony, “DAMN STRAIGHT.”
Which, when you think about it honey, is really the funniest possible thing daddy could have said.

Love you Forever.

Break My Heart

It's been several months since I've posted. I have a thousand excuses, but basically, they all add up to "I wasn't moved to".

Let me explain. Now that I've spent nearly a year learning about and becoming comfortable in my new found faith, I've become a little complacent. I've stopped thinking about God as much as I should. I've been desperately clinging to church, viewing it as the only time that I can talk to God. Rather than viewing it as a supplement to my spirituality, it became more or less the only time I allowed myself to be fed.

This past week though, I've been praying a lot. I got slapped in the face a short while back by the fact that I don't really have a dream for my future right now. I was horrified. I began begging God. I asked him to break my heart for something, someone, anything. Upon first glance, I was worried there wasn't anyone I was concerned for. No group of people considered to be "the least"* that I could turn my compassion towards.

Then I read this article:
http://www.advocate.com/Arts_and_Entertainment/Music/Kristin_Chenoweth_Has_Got_Your_Back/

And it clicked. My heart's been broken all along. Even back in high school, I was concerned about my friends and classmates who were bullied and mistreated because of their sexual orientation. I was a steadfast ally and was endlessly loyal to my friends who struggled with their gender and sexual identities.

Reading this article brought to light a heartbreaking reality that I somehow must have forgotten existed: Christians have a really poor relationship with the LGBTQ community. The opening paragraph in the above article reads: "Kristin Chenoweth is not afraid of contradictions." The article then goes on to explain that not only is she an outspoken Christian, she is also an outspoken gay rights advocate. I felt a thump in my chest. Are these two communities really so far removed from one another that they've become mutually exclusive? Is that what our culture has become? Googling the issue brings up articles from both gay advocacy and conservative Christian weblogs that paint a nasty resentful picture of us-versus-them.

The Williams Institute of UCLA estimates that nearly 4% of Americans identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgendered. That's more than 9 MILLION PEOPLE. And current culture would have us believe that Christians want nothing to do with these people.

These are the people who held me and wiped away my tears when I felt I had no hope. These are the people that forced me to keep living even when I didn't want to. These are the people whose safety I verbally and physically fought for because my friends meant everything to me. Those people look more like Jesus than most people I have ever met. Why on earth would I ever want to oppose them? Why would ANYONE?

The realist in me says that this is dangerous. I will be met with heated resistance, possibly from my own church. The defeatist in me says it will fall flat. It tells me these two worlds were separated for a reason, and any effort to join them will be ignored or mocked. But the Spirit in me says to follow this path. I don't think I can ignore this. 

*Matthew 25:40- "The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'" (NIV)

Time to Testify

Hey guys. It's been a while since I've made a legitimate post here. I hope you all enjoyed the video I posted last week. I certainly did. :)

Getting down to business, though. As a lot of you may know, my life has been in a state of limbo for the past 3 months or so. My roommate and friend decided he couldn't live with me anymore, which forced me to move back in with my family. In this time, I've lived in two different houses, both with my father.

At the time, I didn't know what it would do to my relationship. We celebrated 6 months together a few days into my first move. At that time I was in a state of total despair. Everything I knew was about to change. I was going to lose my independence, my comfort and a great deal of my freedom. My boyfriend reminded me that I needed to give my fear and pain to God. He prayed over me, and that helped me develop an attitude of peace.

So I prayed for guidance and let the Master do His work. It became clear to both Ron and I that we should combine our incomes and begin building a future together. Initially, we were met with resistance from my mom, who had different ideas about what I should be doing with my life. This discouraged me, but Ron and I continued to look for the perfect place to make our home. After a lot of looking, eventually we found THE ONE, so we put in applications and hoped for the best.

I became terrified of what my parents would say to the point of being scared to even apply anywhere. Would they accept my decision? Would they refuse to help me move? Would they cut me off? Try to break my faith in the man I love? The manner in which the news came out to my father was less than ideal, but he ended up being more or less okay with my decision. But his opinion wasn't as important to me as my mom's.

My mom and I had had intense disagreements about the idea, and even though I knew that moving in with Ron would be best for me, I also felt I needed her support. We eventually dropped the conversation, and hadn't spoken about it until yesterday.

I had been praying since Ron and I had put in our application for this apartment for God to soften my mom's heart. I prayed that she would respect my decision and allow me to be happy.

Ron and I had lunch with my mom yesterday to break the news to her. Her reaction was such a 180, I doubted my ears and eyes. Not only was she respectful of the decision, she was genuinely excited about the prospect and hoped the best for us. I was floored.

I immediately praised God. He heard my prayer and allowed my mom to see that Ron and I were genuinely eager to build our future. Her support means the whole world to me.

In fact, Ron called me about half an hour ago to tell me that our applications have been accepted All we have to do is sign a lease and pick up keys on November 1st and move into our new home! I'm ecstatic! I never could have hoped for our plans to have come together so well. I have to give the praise to God. He has made it possible for Ron and I to begin our journey!

God is doing amazing things for ALL of us! 

^""For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 NIV

The G.O.S.P.E.L.

Saw this video at Rock City on Sunday. What a powerful piece of poetry. Hope you all enjoy it as much as I did. :)

Finding my Strength, Using my Voice

Lately, I've let a lot of doubt into my life. It's causing me a lot of anxiety, and there's not a whole lot I hate more than feeling like all my plans are bad ones.

I want to trust that God will let the right thing happen, but I'm so concerned with pleasing other people, I fear I'll take the path of least resistance, because that's what I tend to do when I'm in a bind.

Since my last post here, I've moved again, about 30 minutes away from my last residence. I plan on moving again very soon, so I've been pretty obstinate about not unpacking anything. I'm just going to have to pack it up and move again.

I've not been as diligent in reading my Bible as I probably should be. I've not been praying like I should. I need to direct my attention back to God rather than dwell on my own problems. Here are some Bible verses I'm studying to give myself some strength and comfort.

"Unto thee, O Lord, do I lift up my soul. O my God, I trust in thee: let me not be ashamed, let not mine enemies triumph over me" Psalm 25:1-2


"God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble." Psalms 46:1

"He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Most gladly therefore I will rather glory in my r of Christ may rest on me. Therefore I take pleasure in weaknesses, in injuries, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then am I strong.weaknesses, that the powe" 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned, and flame will not scorch you." Isaiah 43:2

"In nothing be anxious, but in everything, by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your thoughts in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4: 6-7

Trust

I think I'm going to get a tattoo of the word "Trust". I'm going to put it on my wrist so I can see it all the time. Not to remind myself to be more trusting, but to remind myself how precious it is, and how easily humans can destroy it.

Moments before I invited Christ into my life, a voice asked me "Why do you want to push away someone who loves you so completely?" I had been resisting God. I wanted to learn who God was before I made a commitment to Him. I wanted to read the Bible. I wanted to wait and see if I was sure. I believe it was God who spoke to me and gave me the nudge I needed. "What are you waiting for?" I couldn't give Him an answer. I wanted His love so badly, but I made myself wait for assurance that God was truly who He says He is. I didn't understand that God operates differently than people do.

Even though now I do trust God, I haven't found it any easier to trust people. I've still found it especially difficult to trust the church. The church is just people. People are flawed. How can I trust people, even if they love God? I'd like to trust my church. I'd like to volunteer my time knowing that I'm making a positive difference. I'd like to tithe without fear that my giving won't be mismanaged. I'd like to think that my pastor doesn't confuse opinion with truth. I'd like to think that fear mongering and manipulation have no place in the house of God.
I know far too many people whose lives have been impacted really devistating ways by other people who put their own words in the mouth of the Lord, claiming it to be true. That very reason was one of the main reasons I turned away from God as a kid. I couldn't stand the fact that powerful people would prey on people's faith in order to become rich, to become feared, to become famous. It made me sick, and it still does.

My pastor says that the church is the hope of the world. That it's the job of the church to be the Body of Christ and do good works in His Name. That much I can get behind. I just want to know that the right I'm doing is being done in the right way.

I pray that God will give me peace on this subject. I pray that I can trust and be trusted in my church and become an extension of God's Will.

Love,
MM