I think I'm going to get a tattoo of the word "Trust". I'm going to put it on my wrist so I can see it all the time. Not to remind myself to be more trusting, but to remind myself how precious it is, and how easily humans can destroy it.
Moments before I invited Christ into my life, a voice asked me "Why do you want to push away someone who loves you so completely?" I had been resisting God. I wanted to learn who God was before I made a commitment to Him. I wanted to read the Bible. I wanted to wait and see if I was sure. I believe it was God who spoke to me and gave me the nudge I needed. "What are you waiting for?" I couldn't give Him an answer. I wanted His love so badly, but I made myself wait for assurance that God was truly who He says He is. I didn't understand that God operates differently than people do.
Even though now I do trust God, I haven't found it any easier to trust people. I've still found it especially difficult to trust the church. The church is just people. People are flawed. How can I trust people, even if they love God? I'd like to trust my church. I'd like to volunteer my time knowing that I'm making a positive difference. I'd like to tithe without fear that my giving won't be mismanaged. I'd like to think that my pastor doesn't confuse opinion with truth. I'd like to think that fear mongering and manipulation have no place in the house of God.
I know far too many people whose lives have been impacted really devistating ways by other people who put their own words in the mouth of the Lord, claiming it to be true. That very reason was one of the main reasons I turned away from God as a kid. I couldn't stand the fact that powerful people would prey on people's faith in order to become rich, to become feared, to become famous. It made me sick, and it still does.
My pastor says that the church is the hope of the world. That it's the job of the church to be the Body of Christ and do good works in His Name. That much I can get behind. I just want to know that the right I'm doing is being done in the right way.
I pray that God will give me peace on this subject. I pray that I can trust and be trusted in my church and become an extension of God's Will.
Love,
MM
Monday, July 18, 2011
Monday, July 11, 2011
Temporary
As I write this, I am sitting in a restaurant down the street from my new home.
Normally that would be exciting news, but I'm really unhappy with the situation. Mainly because of the events leading up to my move. My roommate, a friend I've known for 10 years canceled our lease agreement and refuses to tell me why. The job I have doesn't pay me well enough to let me stay in the neighborhood where I used to live. This has forced me to move back home with my father, who is also in the process of moving, which means I'll be moving twice in one month. I also don't have a driver's license, which restricts my freedom even further.
The biggest problems that this situation presents are:
1: Me getting to my job. My dad lives about a 20 minute drive away from my job. Since I'm at the mercy of his schedule, that leaves me with a feeling of uncertainty about the future of my current job. Which leads me to my second problem.
2: Me getting to my boyfriend. We lived within shouting distance of one another since we met, and we got pretty used to living so close to one another. However, I'm FAR more optimistic about our future together than I am of the future of my job.
The lack of control I have made me so angry. I felt as if I'd been robbed. I felt like I failed. My freedom and independence were stolen from me by circumstance and there was nothing that I could do.
I'm slowly getting used to the idea. It's been a lot of change very quickly- which is VERY challenging for someone as stubborn as I am.
Then I thought of a Bible verse my pastor spoke about the first time I came to my new church.
“I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jerimiah, 29:11)
Meditating on this verse, and also praying by myself and with others is slowly bringing me to a place of peace.
I know that my suffering is temporary. I know that my suffering has a purpose. Even if the purpose isn't clear crystal clear to me right now, I know that God is protecting me. I trust Him with my future and my well-being. I trust His will. And everything is going to be okay.
Love
MM
Normally that would be exciting news, but I'm really unhappy with the situation. Mainly because of the events leading up to my move. My roommate, a friend I've known for 10 years canceled our lease agreement and refuses to tell me why. The job I have doesn't pay me well enough to let me stay in the neighborhood where I used to live. This has forced me to move back home with my father, who is also in the process of moving, which means I'll be moving twice in one month. I also don't have a driver's license, which restricts my freedom even further.
The biggest problems that this situation presents are:
1: Me getting to my job. My dad lives about a 20 minute drive away from my job. Since I'm at the mercy of his schedule, that leaves me with a feeling of uncertainty about the future of my current job. Which leads me to my second problem.
2: Me getting to my boyfriend. We lived within shouting distance of one another since we met, and we got pretty used to living so close to one another. However, I'm FAR more optimistic about our future together than I am of the future of my job.
The lack of control I have made me so angry. I felt as if I'd been robbed. I felt like I failed. My freedom and independence were stolen from me by circumstance and there was nothing that I could do.
I'm slowly getting used to the idea. It's been a lot of change very quickly- which is VERY challenging for someone as stubborn as I am.
Then I thought of a Bible verse my pastor spoke about the first time I came to my new church.
“I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jerimiah, 29:11)
Meditating on this verse, and also praying by myself and with others is slowly bringing me to a place of peace.
I know that my suffering is temporary. I know that my suffering has a purpose. Even if the purpose isn't clear crystal clear to me right now, I know that God is protecting me. I trust Him with my future and my well-being. I trust His will. And everything is going to be okay.
Love
MM
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